If your baby's still waking, months after weaning, or you're still sharing a bed with your toddler, put up with it no longer. Read on and get your sleep problems sorted
Jack is a two-year-old with a well-established bedtime routine. Unfortunately it's a routine imposed largely by himself. And it goes something like this ’Äì 8pm: put to bed by Mum. 8.01: screaming starts. 8.15: Mum crumbles, in the face of the ongoing verbal onslaught. 8.20: Jack is on the sofa watching telly with Dad. 10.15: finally falls asleep on the sofa with Dad. 10.20: Mum carries Jack to bed.
Sound familiar? Or perhaps your nights and evenings are disturbed by your children in other ways. A pre-schooler who crawls into your bed in the early hours. A toddler who wants to play at 2am. Or a five-year-old who doesn't understand the word "bedtime".
Getting our kids to bed at a reasonable time, and making them stay there, seems to be a dying art in this country. It's the most common problem Supernanny, Jo Frost, is approached about. "It's staggering the number of children who don't get put to bed at a set time, or don't stay there or don't sleep through the night," she says. "But it's crucial to their well-being that they get enough sleep and have a set bedtime. It has a knock-on effect on the rest of the family too."
The great news is that even the most severe sleep problems can be cured within days. It just takes commitment from both parents to see it through.
The newborn nights
The only time, apart from when they're ill, that your child should dictate the schedule during the night is in the first few months. Newborns need a lot of sleep, but they get it in short, regular bursts because their tummies are too tiny to take in enough milk to sustain them through the night. Their sleep is also disturbed by a variety of other things, including wind, a dirty nappy and separation anxiety, as they get used to their new environment.
But between three and six months your baby should start sleeping through, perhaps for an eight-hour stretch at first, gradually lengthening. By that age, their tummy has grown large enough to hold sufficient milk for the night. And the introduction of solids may help sustain them.
You may help them go through the night if you:
Keep your baby at a comfortable temperature. Make sure room temp is 16-20C and your baby is dressed appropriately for the season. If you have a wriggly baby who's prone to kicking the covers off and waking in the early hours because they're cold, try a baby sleeping bag to help keep them as snug as a bug all night.
Keep their room dark. Darkness triggers the release of the sleepy hormone, melatonin. Blackout curtains or blinds, and heavy, lined curtains are particularly useful in summer.
Teach them that night-time is not playtime. If they wake for a feed or nappy change, never play or talk to them. Keep lights low and stimulation, noise and eye contact to a minimum. The more boring your company is, the more likely they are to drift off again and realise that waking in the night is no fun.
Let your baby learn how to fall asleep on their own. Lay them in their cot while they're still awake. Avoid rocking them to sleep in your arms before putting them down, because they won't learn how to drift off alone. Help them nod off alone by leaving them with a little bit of you ’Äì a blanket or teddy which smells of you, for example. A comforter gives your child something to snuggle up to in your absence. Try to make it something common, such as a blanket or muslin, not a one-off precious teddy, because if you lose it, you'll need a replacement ’Äì and quick! A dummy can help babies fall asleep but you may find yourself disturbed when your child wakes and can't find it.
Keep an eye on nap times. Having too much sleep during the day, or not enough, can make it difficult for your child to drop off in the evening. Make sure they're well-fed. If your baby is on solids, ensure they're not having interrupted nights because of hunger.
Establish a bedtime routine as early as possible ’Äì at around three months. See 5 Steps to the Perfect Bedtime Routine box below.
5 steps to the perfect bedtime routine
Follow the same routine at the same time every night. Sticking to a schedule will send a clear message to your child ’Äì it's time for bed. Give them a warm bath. Warm water will help relax their muscles and also raises body temperature. The rapid cooling down which happens once your child gets out of the bath triggers sleep hormones, because one of the most significant things our body does to prepare for sleep is cool down. Relax them mentally, as well as physically, by doing something calming, such as reading a story together, singing lullabies or chatting about the day. Avoid anything too stimulating immediately before bed, such as physical play, watching TV or playing computer games. Activities like these kick-start the mind, making it difficult to wind down. Give them a milky bedtime drink, because milk is naturally soporific. Tuck them up and kiss them goodnight. It's reassuring, and a clear signal that that's all folks!
How much sleep do they need?
All babies are different ’Äì some need less sleep, others need more. Some children give up daytime naps when they're very young, while others continue until they start school. Here's a rough guide to what to expect during a 24-hour day:
| Newborn¬Ý | 16-19 hours | in chunks of three to four hours |
| Three-six months | 15 hours | 10 at night and two or three two-hour daytime naps |
| Six-nine months | 14 hours | 10 at night and two two-hour daytime naps |
| Nine-12 months | 13 ¬‡ hours | 11 at night and two 1¬º-hour daytime naps |
| 12-18 months | 13 hours | 11 at night and a two-hour daytime nap |
| Two years | 12 ¬‡ hours | 11 at night and a one-and-a-half-hour daytime nap |
| Three years plus | 12 hours | usually all at night |
Controlled crying
To break a cycle of wakefulness in children over six months, you can try the controlled crying technique. It's used by sleep experts and child professionals to great effect to deal with children crying for attention. Make sure your child isn't ill before you use it.
Listening to your baby cry and not responding is very tough for most mums, says Jo. "Responding to your child's cry is a natural instinct. When you don't do that, you'll get a rush of adrenaline, your hands will go hot and clammy, your heart will pound and you'll feel like you're losing control. But try not to give in. The message will get across sooner than you think."
When your baby cries, go to them and settle them back down. You can say something like: "It's bedtime. Go to sleep." But don't speak any more than that. Avoid eye contact and don't pick your child up. Leave the room. If the crying starts again, wait three minutes before returning and following the same procedure.
Next time wait seven minutes before returning, then 12. Increase the time you wait each time after that by five minutes until your baby falls asleep. It may take a long while for your baby to fall asleep on that first night, but subsequent nights should become easier until, by the end of the week, you should have cracked it!
Making older kids stay put
If your older child keeps getting out of bed, simply take them back to their own bed, give them a reassuring cuddle, tuck them back in and explain it's bedtime. After the third or fourth time of doing this, lead them back without making eye contact or talking to them.
Repeat this until your child stays put. It may take a lot of trips the first night, but your child will very quickly get the message that getting out of bed just means they will be led straight back there.
Reinforce the message by using a star chart to reward your child when they stay in bed. And minimise the likelihood of your child roaming, by following the bedtime routine and other advice in this feature, and reducing the reasons for them to leave bed, such as giving them a cup of water by their bed and making sure they use the toilet before bed.
Your chance to sleep
Sleep is just as vital to you as it is to your kids. Not only does sleep restore you physically, it's crucial to your mental health too. Recent research shows that lack of sleep has an astonishing impact on how your brain works. It can affect your memory, attention span, speech and problem-solving skills ’Äì all essential when you're looking after children.
While length of sleep is important (a seven-hour-a-night average is recommended), uninterrupted sleep is crucial. A four-hour uninterrupted period is particularly important when it comes to restoring your brain function.
So, getting your child's sleep problems sorted will be good for you as well as them. And when you're coping with the early days with a newborn, grab as much sleep as you can by napping when they nap, forgetting everything but the most essential chores for the first few months and taking all offers of help from family and friends.
Latest news
A survey published this June shows that babies take twice as long to fall asleep and are up more times in the night than babies were in the Sixties and Seventies. Experts believe that diet, the growth of stimulating activities like television and computer games, and the anxiety of parents stressed by juggling a job with childcare may all play a part.
