Your relationship's over, so what now? Read on to find out where you go from here and how best to help your kids cope too.
Once upon a time a child lived with Mummy and Daddy, and if they didn't they were quite unusual. Not any more. Society is changing, and today almost a quarter of all children are living in one-parent families. Some 1.7 million lone parents are currently raising 2.9 million children. And the figure is rising fast ’Äì the number of single parents has increased by one-third over the past five years.
When couples go their separate ways they invariably worry about the impact their parting will have on their children. But given the right circumstances and handled sensitively, divorce doesn't have to spell disaster for your kids.
A recent US study of 1,400 children concluded that divorce did not harm the vast majority of them. The study, conducted by a respected US psychologist, says that while ’Äúchallenging and painful’, divorce can also be an ’Äúopportunity to build a new and better life’. Here's how to build a new and better life for you and your kids
The practicalities
You've received the decree absolute and it's time to put the practicalities of the divorce into motion. Custody is the next big hurdle. Access to both parents is usually in the best interest of the child (if your ex has been abusive or has a history of severe mental health problems this may not apply). But with Government statistics showingthat 40% of divorced fathers lose contact with their children within two years, shared custody is not easy.
Keeping kids in regular contact with their dads is important. An Oxford University report found that children whose fathers remain active in their lives attain better educational qualifications and are less likely to get into trouble with police than those whose fathers don't. And research in the States shows that children from broken marriages who spend time with both parents are better adjusted than children who interact with just one.
For shared custody to work, decide early on which parent will provide the home base. It usually works best if one parent stays living in the family home ’Äì close to the child's school and friends and where they'll retain their original bedroom ’Äì if possible. That means set midweek and/or weekend visits, specific holiday plans and clear living arrangements.
My two bedrooms
Your child needs a main bedroom they consider their own, most likely in the house where the family once lived together. But now that Mum and Dad live apart, explain that you want them to feel comfortable in both homes.
Depending on their age, involve them in purchasing new furniture and decorating the bedroom in their second home, and encourage them to take comfort objects from their other bedroom with them, along with necessary clothes, toiletries, etc. Your child may experience contradictory emotions at this time; keep chatting to them so you can reassure them that the way they feel is normal.
Weekend visits
If your children are living with you most of the time, decide on a regular visitation schedule. For most parents, that means once or twice during the week, along with a bi-monthly weekend visit.
While both of you may be anxious for these visits to run smoothly, difficulties may arise. Often ’Äì if Daddy has a new girlfriend or wife, for example ’Äì your children may feel uncomfortable being away from you, especially overnight. Be aware of potential problems, and talk them through.
Holidays
Once you and your ex decide on a regular holiday schedule, don't expect it all to be easy. Both you and your child may feel anger, guilt and loneliness over the holiday period, and even if your kids spend all their time with you they'll probably miss their dad.
If they are with you, don't plan too many activities. They need time and space to open up and feel comfortable. Enjoy time spent together, making new traditions to supercede the old ones.
If you're alone, have regular telephone contact with your kids and make special time for yourself to go out with the girls, get in a bottle of bubbly or have a massage.
Telling the kids
The fights are over, and you and your partner have made the hardest decision of your lives. Now you're about to face one of the most difficult aspects of a break-up: telling your kids you're getting divorced, and helping them get through this incredibly distressing time.
This is not an easy task when your own emotions are still raw, but it is possible. Use this five-point plan to help you
1 Breaking the news
Divorce is not only frightening for children, it's confusing too. Set aside time for you and their father to talk with them, and plan what you're going to say beforehand.
Stick to the most immediate issues, stay calm and let them know that while living arrangements may change, your feelings towards them haven't, and that both of you will maintain an ongoing, loving relationship with them.
2 Be honest but tactful
Stay open about what's going on between you and your children's father ’Äì within reason. When a parent shields their children too much and divulges nothing, some conclude the divorce is all their fault. The divorce affects your children as much as ’Äì sometimes even more than ’Äì it affects you. Don't keep them in the dark.
But remember that your children are just that ’Äì children. They don't need to know too much of the nitty-gritty of your divorce, so don't treat them like your best friend and expect them to be your sounding board. If you want someone to talk to in order to support yourself through this, turn to family and friends or a counsellor. Don't over burden your children with this responsibility.
3 Separate your own emotions from your children's
Divorce brings out a huge range of emotions in all of us. But try to keep your own feelings separate from those of your children, especially as they may not coincide.
Never bad-mouth their father in front of them. You want to help them build a strong relationship with both of you, not build up resentment and difficulties.
4 Take your children's concerns seriously
Don't assume you know what your child's going through. Different children react differently to divorce, so you may find that one child copes well while another has lots of fears. It's important to take time to ask how each child is feeling, and listen to their answers.
Adjusting to divorce is a long process, and as a family you need to talk about new questions that pop up and be as reassuring as possible.
5 Realise that their peer group is important ’Äì especially now
When their family appears to be crumbling around them, children find it vital to keep up their outside friendships. They need to feel safe and happy within their own circle of friends, and to know that their friends are aware of the changes taking place in their lives and accept them regardless.
Helping you cope
When you're so busy looking after everyone else, it's easy to forget about yourself. But happy mums mean happy children, so try to
Take care of YOU
Eating well and exercising is important now, both for your physical and emotional health. Develop a good self-image and don't obsess about things you can't change.
Look for parents in the same boat
Many newly divorced parents find their relationships change when they reinvent themselves as singles. Don't expect all your friends to still be there, and don't get unduly upset when some decide to back away.
Reconstruct old relationships, and look for new ones. Often this means finding a support network of parents in similar situations ’Äì ask around for local groups.
Be kind to yourself
It doesn't make sense to worry about every little thing. Nobody's perfect. You're doing a great job during an incredibly difficult time ’Äì cut yourself some slack.
Have some fun
Don't devote all your free time solely to entertaining the kids ’Äì have some grown-up fun as well. Start a babysitting circle with friends and go out and have a laugh ’Äì you deserve it.
Start dating again
When you feel like dating, go ahead. It's best to start gradually for the sake of your children, and don't expect them to become best friends with a potential new partner instantly. Remember that adjusting to new relationships takes time ’Äì for everyone.
Useful contacts
Gingerbread: 0800 018 4318; www.gingerbread.org.uk
Relate: 0845 130 4010; www.relate.org.uk
Parentline Plus: 0808 800 2222; www.parentlineplus.org.uk
It's Not Your Fault: 08457 626579; www.itsnotyourfault.org (practical information for separating parents and children sponsored by the NCH children's charity)
Divorce Recovery Workshop: 07000 781889; www.drw.org.uk (National organisation run by volunteers who are divorced or separated)
Single Parent Dating Organisation UK: www.singleparentdating.org.uk
Read all about it
There are lots of stories for children of all ages to help support them through their parents' divorce. Here are some of the best
For younger kids
Children Don't Divorce (Talking it Through series) by Rosemary Stones (Happy Cat Books, £5.99)
What Do We Think About ’Äì Family Break-up by Jillian Powell (Hodder Wayland, £4.99)
How Do I Feel About My Parents' Divorce by Julia Cole (Copper Beech Books, £13)
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear by Vicki Lansky and Jane Prince (Book Peddlers, £3.99)
Dinosaurs Divorce! by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Collis, £7.99)
Totally Uncool by Janice Levy and Chris Monroe (Zero to Ten, £4.99)
Two Of Everything by Babette Cole (Random House, £5.99)
For older kids
It's Not The End Of The World by Judy Blume (Macmillan Children's Books, £4.99)
The Divorce Express by Paula Danziger (Hodder & Stoughton, £3.99)
Mums' talk
Advice from women who've gone through divorce
’ÄúThe best advice is knowing it does get better. Life can be a challenge but you have to be optimistic. Look at what you've achieved and the fact you've got over so many hurdles. Close the doors to the past and try to let it go; look to the future.’
Saleha Ali, 41, from Manchester. Mum to Hasan, 15
’ÄúBeing on your own is a lot better for your child than staying in a bad relationship or overly tense environment. And when you're coping alone you'll find your own sense of self again, which will make your next relationship better.’
Emily Nelson, 42, from Knebworth, Herts. Mum to Toby, five
’ÄúMy philosophy is that life is difficult, and the moment you realise that it becomes easier. I cope as a single mum because I accept that it's hard, and instead of fighting against it I confront my problems. My other advice is, if you can, try not to get yourself in this situation!’
Jay Detrice, 38, from West Hampstead, North London. Mum to Jack, seven, and Charlotte, five
’ÄúI swore that not having my husband did not mean that my children would lose their father. That meant a lot of sacrifice on my part, and I had to hold back a lot of information from my children and everyone around me, so they wouldn't be too down on him. But my kids and my ex still have a very good relationship, and I'm proud of that.’
Eileen Summer, 39, from Ilford, Essex. Mum to Gareth, 15, Geoff, 12, and Violet, nine
