Life with twins, triplets or more is rarely dull. It's unbelievably challenging at times and overwhelmingly joyous at others. But it helps if you know a few tricks of the trade. Una Rice, a mother of twins, offers some guidance!
"I overheard my mum introducing one of my identical twins to her friend," says Teresa, mum to Christopher and Oscar, six. "She said: 'The other one's like him ’Äì but different'."
There are huge misconceptions about twins, triplets and quads. True, most multiples share a unique bond. If they're identical and dressed the same, they look undeniably cute. They get up to heaps more mischief than singletons. And they present a host of practical and developmental challenges for their exhausted parents.
But that's where the similarities between twins, triplets or more usually end. Because, as most parents of multiples are all too aware, they're as different as any other siblings.
Even confirmed identical twins can look different. They may have the same genetic blueprint, but it's unlikely they were the same birth weight, or were subject to identical conditions during pregnancy. They have different metabolisms, one may be leaner, shorter or have larger feet.¬Ý And they each have their own talents, likes and dislikes.
They don't always relish each other's company either. Multiples, like any siblings, can fight like cat and dog.
Yet the temptation is to group them together, almost treat them as a unit, and to constantly compare and contrast. Even parents of multiples can be guilty of encouraging the exact same interests, anxious that one child may miss out if he doesn't have the same experience as the others.
The key to parenting multiples is to remind yourself, and everyone who comes in contact with them, that they're separate individuals. That doesn't mean they're 'opposites'. If anyone asks: "Who's naughty and who's good?" be quick to put them straight!
Did you know?
Identical twins are more difficult to tell apart when sleeping. While they're awake their features are animated, so you can spot differences even though many mannerisms are similar.
Growing numbers
Even before their birth, your multiples will attract your attention. You'll be larger and more tired, and your chances of suffering from excessive morning sickness are increased.
Multiple deliveries are less complicated today thanks to technology, but there may be an entire team of medical staff looking after your needs, especially if you have a Caesarean. Once your babies are born, the spotlight is off Mum, as attention is heaped upon the new arrivals.
There has always been a fascination with multiples, particularly ones who are indistinguishable, not to mention an unspoken admiration for their parents. Don't take it personally when you feel under scrutiny.
Multiple births have increased by 20 per cent in the last ten years ’Äì largely due to more sophisticated fertility treatments. It means that roughly one out of every 67 women gives birth to more than one child in the same labour. But just because it's become much more common, it's done nothing to dilute the curiosity of people who don't have multiples. They stare because they're keen to see how parents cope with the demands of two or three at once.
It's disconcerting to have strangers question you ’Äì especially when they include the words 'IVF' or 'natural'. One mum of twins became so incensed at being asked personal details every time she went shopping, she considered handing out a Q&A sheet answering queries about her children's conception and how to tell them apart. She figured it would save her the time of explaining it herself.
If you find it irritating, especially if your sleep patterns are erratic and your tolerance levels low, spare a thought for any other child in your family who isn't one of the multiples. Singleton children can feel badly excluded when attention is poured on the new babies. Remind friends to acknowledge your other child and make him or her feel involved.
How to manage your time
Studies have shown that a mother of twins will spend around 10 per cent more time on infant-related tasks than a mother of a single baby, which invariably means that multiples get less one-to-one attention. But mothers of multiples quickly become experts at juggling and cutting corners to claw back precious time.
Keep a specially packed ready-to-go bag by the door containing nappies, wipes, change of clothes, small toys and soothers. Add bottles at the last minute and you're off. Get a routine to save your sanity. A whiteboard is great for keeping track of breast and bottle-feeds and daily bowel movements. In your own diary, pencil in a 'Mum's hour' when you read, have a bath or go for a walk. Cheat! Why give all three a bath every evening when a top and tail does the job in less than half the time? Lower your expectations. Nobody expects you to have a sparkling house and perfectly turned-out children. Your babies' sleep patterns will synchronise. Help the process along by feeding them together and putting them down for naps together.
The good news!
Multiples are less likely to be fussy eaters. If one baby doesn't want a spoonful of purˆ©e, it goes straight into the mouth of the second or third baby. No time for fuss or cajoling.
The bad news!
Parents of multiples tend to confine their babies more to playpens because it's safer to keep tabs on them. Mums also tend to avoid letting their children experiment, with things such as feeding themselves, because Mum doing it is quicker and less messy. But that means the children miss out on important learning experiences, such as cruising around the furniture or smearing spaghetti Bolognese in their hair!
Celebrate the differences
"Very often people don't even bother to try and tell my twins apart," says Amanda, mum to James and Philip, five. "One of my sons in particular gets really irritated when he's confused with his brother."
Although you should celebrate your children's status as a multiple ’Äì it's an important part of their identity and you can't just choose to ignore it ’Äì most of your time will be spent getting them to be seen as individuals.¬Ý And there are things you can do to encourage this.
As babies
Don't give them similar names. Jan, Jane and June will create a lifetime of confusion. To save time and money, who cares if you dress multiples in babygros? It doesn't really matter who wears what when they're this age, as long as you don't get the babies mixed up! Encourage others to see the differences, such as a rounder head or chubbier cheeks.¬Ý
As toddlers
Dress your multiples differently. Now they aren't babies they will be becoming more aware of their own identities and it's important to promote that. Don't allocate a colour each, though. A young child may become too attached to 'my colour' and this can store up problems. Go for different hairstyles. It's a simple and effective way of helping them look different. Try a shorter trim on one boy, or a fringe on one girl. Speech development is often slower in multiples because mums end up giving less one-to-one contact, often talking to their twins or triplets as a group, with little eye contact. Try to avoid addressing multiples as a pair or group as much as possible. Take time to speak to them individually and make eye contact.
Did you know?
Twins often develop their own secret language. It usually evolves because they are learning new words ’Äì badly ’Äì from each other! As long as normal language develops alongside, it's no cause for concern.
As children
Let them express their individuality. Try separate bedrooms if possible. If you can't do that, let them make their side of the room their own by allowing them to choose their own duvet designs and accessories. Don't assume your multiples will all want to learn piano or play football. Send them to different activities and spend quality time with each individual child. Make sure the teacher can tell them apart. They should be encouraged to sit beside and play with other children at school. Always allocate separate times for each child at parent-teacher meetings.
Don't try to do without...
"* the right buggy. Lightweight double buggies are far better than huge side-by-side double travel systems (no matter how fancy they look). You'll need a couple of single buggies too so that you can each take one baby out alone, and walking harnesses are essential for toddlers who want to explore."
Teresa, mum to Christopher and Oscar, six
"* some help. I have someone who comes to help out for a couple of hours at mealtimes and I couldn't do without her. I'd rather go without holidays or a night out than give up paying for that extra bit of help ’Äì it's essential."
Ann, mum to Jamie, Edward and Phoebe, two
"* a battery-operated swing. I longed for two pairs of arms so that I could soothe both my babies at once. A friend came to the rescue with this swing which would calm one while I concentrated on cuddling the other."
Amanda, mum to James and Philip, five
"* being organised. My health visitor told me I was the most organised person she had ever known. I had 15 bottles lined up in the kitchen, and a baby-changing unit in the living room, with everything to hand to minimise running up and down stairs. It takes a bit of time to plan ahead but if you do it you'll save time the other end."
Enya, mum to Louise, Laura and Gemma, seven
"* a sense of humour! I was always the mum at clinic whose babies looked like they needed a good bath! I'd be ready to leave the house when one of them would vomit or fill her nappy. But you've just got to accept that. My babies may have been slightly grubby, but they were loved and well cared for, and most importantly of all ’Äì happy."
Anne, mum to Lily and Jayne, three
