How to survive a horror movie
You now know what to do in order to survive a zombie apocalypse, but has anyone ever explained what you should do when faced with an axe murderer or worse, a monster? We didn’t think so. Here are a few vital steps on how to survive a horror movie to ensure you don’t find yourself stuck between a maniac and a hard place.
Places to avoid:
Any room with a swinging light bulb
Houses with creepy histories
Anywhere after hours
Things to look out for:
1. If you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and an old man with a strange accent pulls up next to you in his beaten truck and offers to help you, don’t go with him.
2. When your friend says ‘Stay right there, I’m going to find help’ he/she is not coming back, so accept it and move on.
3. If you encounter a creepy looking child, run away from said child because it will come after you at some point.
4. If by some miracle you’ve made it from your office all the way through the dark empty car park to your car, check the back seat if you wish to avoid the whole ‘looking-into-the-rear-view-mirror-and-seeing-a-murderer’ situation.
5. Don’t get drunk, alcohol won’t help you in any way if you’re in a horror movie. How are you going to run away if you’re off your face on JD and diet coke?
6. If you do manage to contact the police and they come to help you, they will also die. Along with any other back-up you call.
7. If you find that you’ve been able to get away easily, it’s probably not over and the worst is yet to come. This is the same if you’ve killed whatever it is that was pursuing you, and you get up close to check it’s really dead, you’re just asking for trouble.
8. Don’t spend your time looking for a phone, because when you finally come across one the cords will be cut or there will be no signal.
9. If you think you’ve seen a mysterious figure in your bathroom mirror but don’t see anything when you turn around to check – proceed to the nearest exit and never look back.
10. If any of your appliances begin to operate of their own accord, leave immediately before your George Foreman grill turns on you.
What you will need:
Common sense – It’s so simple. Use it.
Sensible shoes – To avoid having to abandon your Kurt Geiger court shoe, make sure you are wearing comfortable footwear suitable for running, and preferably quite silent.
Make sure your car has a full tank of petrol.