How to get away with murder
If you are guilty of indulging in some extra-marital naughtiness, borrowed something without asking, or spent all the grocery money on that new Chanel bag, then take a look at these five top tips on how to appear totally innocent.
1. Are you blushing or sweating?
Guilty! Think about cool drinks by the sea, and concentrate on breathing deeply. Red cheeked over-heating is an indicator of naughty behaviour, so keep calm.
2. Avoiding eye contact and looking sheepish.
Don’t look at the floor, or examine the interesting wall paper. Look your interrogator in the eye (or the spot between the eyes). Make sure you don’t immediately look away, or you’re busted. On the flip side, aggressively staring into someone’s face also indicates guilt. It’s a fine balance.
3. Changing the subject or getting annoyed.
If you borrowed your friend’s Vivien Westwood boots whilst she was on holiday, don’t start talking about your dog’s impending visit to the vet, or get angry when she mentions her boots smell like a pub. Think Jack Nicholson – Be Cool!
4. Buying presents out of the blue.
If you’ve had a steamy, drunken clinch with your boss when you’ve been ‘working late’ then buying unexpected presents for your other half screams ‘I’ve been bad.’ In fact, giving a gift for no reason can often provoke an ‘Oh? Why, what have you done?’ in response, which will bring up your defences. You may as well have ‘liar’ written on a flashing arrow above your head.
5. Babbling incoherently, or maintaining absolute silence.
If you don’t challenge your flatmate over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or why there is no hot water again, then they’ll be suspicious.
Above all, to get away with murder you’ll need to look angelic, do nothing out of the ordinary, remain calm, and breathe deeply. Now that you are aware of the ways in which your body language screams guilt, you’re much more likely to get away with murder.
Just don’t do it again!