After filming The ultimate celebrity fashion frock-ups, a count down of famous-folk fashion faux pas for Ch5, we realised that the best thing about today’s celebrities is that they’re just so down to earth and, dare we say it, ordinary. Aye, according to all the weekly magazines and TV listing titles, today’s entertainment elite are a messy, forgetful and, ahem, smelly old bunch! And, hallelujah, they have bad hair days and spots, which is thoroughly reassuring; they’re only human after all!
But do we really want to see them using their mobile phones in the street, shopping at Tesco or doing something as mundane as getting a parking ticket’ Hmm’
Personally, we’re on the fence about this kind of thing. Sure, we long for the days of Hollywood mystique when Garbo was alone and Noel Coward’s manners were more newsworthy than his scandals. But don’t we all just love pouring over pics of bedraggled celebs with bad tans, bad heels and bad attitudes’ Saying that, we can imagine nothing worse than being ‘papped’ in our pants. Apart, that is, from being ‘papped’ without them! Anyway, here’s our guide to what’s best avoided in the world of celebrity style.
The ‘oops, I forgot my underwear’ celebrity
‘Oh my god, I don’ t know how it happened, but just as I got out the car at the film premiere/nightclub opening/champagne launch/Asda (delete as appropriate) the paps caught me off guard and managed to snap me with no knickers on!’
Yeah right, we know exactly how it happened ‘ you’ve got no knickers on and know that a peek at yer cheeks is enough to get you on the cover of Loaded, Maxim or Nuts! And that’s you: Kelly Brook, Sienna Miller and Jade Jagger.
The celebrity slobs
Do we really need to be shown celebs with bed heads and unshaven faces, in jogging bottoms or simply popping to the hairdressers looking like Bela Lugosi in a bath robe’ And just how many times do we have to endure Britney Spears looking as if she’s been sleeping rough courtesy of dark roots, shiny cheeks and spots. Zit me baby one more time, anyone’
The ‘you’ve been tangoed’ celebrity
Have Dame Judith Chalmers and dashing David Dickinson been breeding like rabbits’ Well, judging by the scores of Jaffa-skinned lovelies populating the celebrity planet, the answer is yes! Can you imagine that family photo’ Ma, Pa, Jodie Marsh and Gavin Henson together in close-up looking like they’ve just spent the night in a spray booth!
The celebrity dogs
Now we ain’t being personal, but gawd, there are loads of dogs around these days. Aye, we’re thinking Lady Victoria Hervey, Paris Hilton and even new mum, Geri Halliwell. Yup, they’re frequently pictured carrying their beloved miniature hounds under their equally miniature arms. And its not just the girls: ex Hollyoaks’ actor Jeremy Edwards was probably papped more often with his pooch than he was with then girlfriend Rachel Stevens! But c’mon ‘ do all these tabloid dahlings really need to enlist canine assistance to grab
a headline’ It’s worth remembering that a dog is for life, not just for the papparazzi!
The celebrity under the knife
When plastic surgery’s good, its great ‘ just look at the timeless appearances of Demi Moore, Cher or Sophia Loren. And OK, while these actresses may have spent less time in classical theatre (and more time in operating theatres!) it certainly appears to have been worth it. If you ask us, the UK’s homegrown ‘queen of cuts’ is the BBC’s quizzical queen, the adorable Anne Robinson. And get this: when we appeared on Celebrity Weakest Link we gave Ms R a really close inspection and she looks every bit as good face-to-face as she does on the telly. She’s a Goddess. Aye, when carried out successfully, plastic surgery can actually be money well spent.
But hold it ‘ when it’s bad, it can be downright diabolical! And no, we’re not being mean here. It’s just that some celebs appear to be unable to say ‘enough in enough!’ One look at Joan Rivers, Mickey Rourke or the terrifying Jackie Stallone and it’s like flicking through a CSI evidence catalogue!
The skinny celebrity
Personally, we like our gals with meat on their bones and
with curves in all the right places. Indeed our idea of female perfection includes real women like Charlotte Church, Catherine Zeta Jones, Heidi Range or Jennifer Lopez. Fuller, firmer and with a sassy, sexy air about them they look like they wouldn’t say no to extra helpings! And, damn it, don’t they look good on it’ So please can someone bring on the Big Macs and start feeding up Lindsay Lohan, Victoria Beckham and every Desperate Housewife ‘cos they all look like they could do with a good feed!
The celebrity chavs
Well, pass us some Aquascutum and call us Wayne and Waynetta! Yes, in the world of celebrity chavdom if you want to be in with a sporting chance of enduring fame then it takes two to go the distance. Just look at Chantelle & Preston, Colleen & Wayne or
even Jordan & Peter.
Chav plus points:
It helps if you’re a sportsman.
You must be from Essex.
You’re guaranteed valuable extra chav points if you’ve ever been a BB housemate. Cue Jodie Marsh and Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad.
The celebrity barnets
Hold on a tic, and we’ll start chanting Charles Worthington in a bid to find out what flops on the tops of celebrity’s finest foreheads. Oh blimey ‘ there are some things that simply don’t go together, like big hair and a skinny frame ‘cos you end up looking like a lollypop! Cue Nicole Richie. And then there’s the hair today, gone tomorrow follicle defying extensions of Paris Hilton or Chantelle. And we just can’t resist marvelling over the balance defying crowning glory of Kelly Osbourne, a gal whose predisposition to big hair is the stuff of hirsute legend.
The colour blind celebrity
OK, so Nadia might be a Big Brother winner but her wardrobe is more sinner than winner! C’mon, just who in the name of Trinny and Susannah told her that sartorial elegance comes in the form of yellow rubber boob tubes and rabbit tails hanging from your frock’
The ‘can you spot my bra’ celebrity’
If you thought only Superman wears his under garments for all the world to see then you’re mistaken. Take a moment and flick through any celebrity bible and you’ll soon be feasting your eyes on a plethora of on-display bras ‘ some matching the colour of the outfits and some way off the mark. We mean purlease ‘ did you spot Natasha Bedingfield sporting a black backless top with a red bra underneath’ Or Courtney Love’s white lace blouse failing to contain her ample, black bra’d bosom’ And who could forget Sugababe Keisha’s less-than-sweet-lacy bra and tight-blouse combo’ Honestly!
And finally… the successfully stylish celebrity
We’ve talked about what’s not in the world of celeb style. Now let’s talk about what’s hot. The great news is that there are still loads of celebrities who manage to look effortlessly stylish. So let’s end on a high and bring on the roll of honour: let’s here it for Dannii and Kylie Minogue, Myleene Klass, David Beckham, Sienna Miller, Kate Moss, Russell Brand, Kate Winslet, Preston, Kelly Brook and, of course, Jude Law.